Bit of thinking (me = unplugged)

*Warning I did not spell check/proofread this, may god have mercy on your soul*

At first I contemplated over this but then realize that the more (turns off TV) I think about it the less good it does. Honestly the best approach is to just sit down and start writing whatever comes to your mind...so here we go.

A lot of stuff has been crossing the brain as of recently some I like and others I don't like. Finding it a bit unsettling that helping other people out is starting to unnerve me a bit. Like the first thing that comes to mind is "Do I actually enjoy making people happy". The answer I have to say is sometimes. Ask me that same question back in the early years of college and the answer would have been totally different. The joys I use to get from helping other people even as a result of screwing myself over were still worth the effort (even if at times it sacrifice grades). Now a days I've become more of a troll, I do help people yes but there's times where I come out of it thinking 'wow I'm a bit annoyed at myself for helping them there'.

Guess it could be due in part that I'd rather have someone figure out something rather than me tell them. Or if I tell someone how to solve something and then they come back later asking the same question. Bit annoying to be honest. I feel live I've gained this dislike towards helping others in such a way. On the same accord though i really do want to get back to helping other people...let alone if I'm studying for A+ certification I should feel like its contradictory...but really its not to me. When people call into the help desk you realize that most of them (not all of them) are clueless you so you expect a bit of computer illiteracy. But ya know like people I've been hanging out for 3-5 years, playing games with, helping them troubleshoot repeatable issues, you'd think some of it sink in.

Prime example tonight while I was typing this post out had two friends encounter an issue with openings. I'm not exactly an elephant in terms of memory but it does quite well related to tech issues. The main problem was involving opening the ports to allow each to connect to there respective games. Came to me to help troubleshoot in the moment I said open ports they were clueless. I also want to blame the current game market as well. Its honestly spoiled gosh knows how many people knowledge wise in terms of opening ports, forwarding packets, configuring to run in various comparability modes...bit frustrating. Cause these same problems have occurred with Diablo 2, Unreal Tournament, Puzzle Quest, and the list goes on. Given its a bit late as I can't recall a majority of the titles so I'll give some credit for forgetfulness.

I must admit in terms of intelligence I honestly don't view myself as that bright of a person. Yea there's times where I go 'Bryant your a genius' or 'wow I'm on a roll today' but in all honestly its just self encouragement. In the grand schema of things (in respect to work and friends) I have to say I am actually smart. Just the amount of non-con-valuated (?) thought that comes to my mind isn't shabby. It could be that other people aren't that bright (I can believe that) but I honestly can't 100% believe that. Though I do enjoy being around techies that make me awestruck who can just do stuff on the fly that I sit down and contemplate over for a good bit. Perfect example of this is the other side of our team that deals with mostly Unix related work...wouldn't mind doing that constantly expanding the knowledge.

Though from a general knowledge standpoint I'm not all that bright. Quite terrible with directions, have a difficult point at times formulating thoughts and stuff that comes natural to others I'm a bit slow at. It kind of bums me a bit because sometimes I think I'm brilliant when I realize its not all true. Hell some people that might read this may believe it was formulated by a 9th grader or something. In all honest though I wouldn't mind improving a bit in some of those aspects. Probably one of the main reason I picked up blogging again to hopefully remove bad habits involving train of thought and expand the vocabulary a bit. God knows I won't stay on topic.

This leads me to one of my most dreaded thoughts...the future. A part of my life I hate thinking about. First it was the goal of getting through high school, finishing college, then landing a job. Yup I've done all that but really, not feeling motivated anymore. I've attempted establishing relationships (one totally) and while it felt good just didn't seem right. It felt like another dead end initially like 'here's your life sir, you'll spend time with this other individual talking about day to day stuff with physically enjoyment and then continue living'. It just didn't feel right like there was no scope and even without one the scope still feel small, tiny, live and die.

After 3 years I have formulated new goals from getting experience in the field. Obtaining a couple certifications but once that's done where does it put me. New job, new place, new place new experiences but when that said in done what next? Will I be feeling burned out another 3 years from now in my 30s being just the same grumpy middle age man limited by the amount of knowledge. I honestly don't know the trip to Ohio is sounding better but the short term (3-5 years) end result seems to be the same.

It could be me just assuming though...heck I know its a 100% assumption what I posted up there but history is a mean mistress and is very good at repeating itself. Not to mention there's that uncertain aspect of seeking a relationship. I wouldn't mind getting back into one but would actually like to date someone (the last 3 were a bit up there) with a more eased back 'sex' drive per se. Unlike typically guys I don't think with the other head too often. To be honest I haven't done that sort of activity in a couple days (which is odd for me as I tend to do it as a ease off sorta deal). So I know I have built up emotions if stuff like that is going down. I'm not too worried there though if something or lack of something happens there, its not much I can do. Its like going to Disney World for the 1st time and guessing everything that's going to occur...not likely. Plus I feel I'm taking a step away from my dad's pimpness...most likely a good thing.

Physically I'm fairly comfortable with myself. Wouldn't mind losing about 10 lbs but honestly not in a hurry. If I somehow shoot back up to 190 then well the ddr machine and me will become good friends real soon, either that or running will become my new hobby. I'm glad I took a break from P90X today the constant soreness was really starting to drag on me. It doesn't take me 7-10 seconds to get up from the computer now. I actually can move *gasp*. I might pick it up again but unsure yet. I'll definitely keep working out though as it makes me feel good and supplies the energy.

Due to all the above think my overall motivation is down a bit from the norm. Ya the exercising and everything is helping a bit but not sure how to best approach getting the 'old' bryant mentality back. I mean I have my old emotions and passion back for things which is great but if it hurts from time to time then what's the point, might as well just tune them out and feel nothing again. Now looking at my current self my perfectionist side doesn't really have a presences anymore. I have more of a 'well its good enough' feel to life now rather than 'well that's 4 greats its freakin terrible', 'I was off one minute getting to work' or 'I stayed in bed for 5 minutes'. I tend to throw whatevers at these now...that could be a possible issue. Then again it could be a ton of stuff.

Now considering it, it could be that I really need a challenge. Cause looking at all my current activities none of them really provoke me and go 'well you failed do it all over again'...think that's what makes me different back then, then I am now. For example time attacks. One thing I rather enjoyed was the amount of precision involved in making sure the pixels were perfect to go up the wall correctly. Have a good bit relating to IT class. INFO250 it either worked or it didn't A or F (one of the seven who passed). INFO495 SAP Introduction, if you did everything right the first 2-3 weeks then the rest of the class wasn't as bad (still nightmarish) if you screwed up then well guess what start over your screwed out 2-3 weeks. I miss being penalized for when I screw up, the pressure being so great that you really didn't want to. Final exams, are probably the only test I excel at due to boarderline grades of doing ok on test (MGMT325 (?) Test 1: D, Test 2: C, Test 3: D, Final: A....wtf)....never thought about it from an academic standpoint but makes sense...minus the bad teachers who couldn't teach.

So it just sounds like I need a challenge, but it seems in today's world of 'its ok to use 4th generation programming languages' , 'do as reps as you can', 'oh you died start from this last checkpoint' it seems more difficult to have something like brought to you. Now when I mean difficulty I don't mean insane and abstract like Zelda Parellel worlds, Metroid Redesign, carving objects out of wood, painting, or predicting variability of electric flow in a power case. Something more along the lines of...well honestly no idea guess that's what I'm looking for...bit hard to do though when the scheduled full with job hunting, working, hanging out with friends, helping friends out (which I enjoy of course as long as its related to life issues), and studying for A+ certification. It could be bad time management as gaming has been limited this week due to the above.

That's another odd thing I started P90X this week and haven't had the urge to play games. Could be due to the twitching hands or what have you but even then could easily do something simple like tower defense. The hunger for gaming has been low on the digital basis. Did play Catan tonight which broke the streak but overall haven't touched it much. Don't get me wrong there's several titles I want to play/wish to play (WoW: Cata, Sol Survivor, TQ and many others)...just....just not feeling it. I'm sure I'll pinpoint it at some point but don't feel its really high priority.

I must admit though based on the results of using various dating sites and submitting applications I could definitely work on my overall life style in terms of making myself more desirable to potential mates and employers. Might pick up volunteering again as I don't think I'm too far from Willow Lawn now...could be totally wrong on this though. Either that or be more diligent about studying for A+. I must admit though if it wasn't for that one individual that took me to the library that day I probably wouldn't have consider taking the new course in life I'm currently on.

Sometimes I must admit it is tempting to go back to school or just quit my job order a bunch of books from Amazon, put my computer in the closet and just read mindlessly. Use to do something similar at the VCU library. With times between studies I would either go to the 2nd floor of the commons or 3rd floor of the new school of business building or 4th floor of VCU Monroe campus library and read. Hell might even read the chapter twice for comprehension purposes (comes from my dad I know that for sure he tends to read everything twice). Either that or become a Monk but seeing how I am an IT major and still enjoy using the computer don't see that happening any time soon.

Though as far as IT majors go have to say I'm probably one of the not so interest person in the fields in terms of keeping up with the latest and greatest. For example I still use my Razor for a cellphone, not a smart phone my Razor. Why? Simple fact is I use it as a cell phone and not a computer. If I need to check facebook, twitter, play some random app, do what have you I can usually wait till home to attend to such things. The only reason I tend to keep my computer updated is to play some of the more up to date titles, which isn't all that many now a days. Though i must admit the blue glow that comes from the case does make me smile.

Ok so after searching my mind for a good bit, I feel as though I've dumped out all my thoughts into this text format. In all honesty it feels pretty good and is probably exactly what I need to do. Some of the stuff I typed I do recall while others was just thoughts on the fly I'll read tomorrow morning and smile remembering that such silly things crossed my mind at 1:30 on the 27th of August 2010. None the less I'll know that I'll be heading to bed with a head with slightly less thoughts. It definitely feels good.